Archive for March, 2013

IVF round 2 : 8. IVF Results

Tuesday, March 5th, 2013

Oct 22, 2011

The day of my nephew’s christening, as we got ready to leave, I noticed a spot of blood. It hadn’t been 2 weeks, but there it was. We decided immediately that I wouldn’t go to his christening, but instead I’d get back into bed. Numb, we waited to see what would be. My mother in law cried as she left for the christening. She didn’t know whether to stay or go. I told her there was nothing to do but wait and see, and that she should go. So logical, I was. So unaffected.

Maybe I was spotting. I googled the hell out of it. What else can you do but watch the clock tick away the seconds until enough time has passed to check again?

What did google tell me? If it’s brown it’s more likely to be spotting than if it’s red or pink. If it’s red or pink, it’s probably not very good news.

Yes I think it was brown, of course it was brown. It had to be brown. I’m sure it was.

I went to the bathroom again, with hubby this time, and there was a very round, very red spot of blood on the paper. I swallowed the lump in my throat as we exchanged looks – that silent interaction we shared, both wondering if that was one of our babies. We knew logically it probably wasn’t, but at that moment, the way it sat on the tissue looking back at us…there was no logic in our hearts.

We called the doctor and they told us basically what we already knew, that there was nothing they could do one way or the other and that I should just wait and see, and if I was bleeding heavily by Monday (it was Friday), I should go in early for the blood test. I was supposed to have it on Tuesday.

All day and every time I went to the bathroom we analyzed the tissue. The prognosis didn’t get any better. On Monday morning we went for the blood test. We waited all day for them to contact us with the results, and by 6pm we called the doctors office with the result we were expecting. Negative.

Once the quiet settled in and the results were indisputable, my husband and I held each other and cried. Bawled. Wretched death, pain, loss. I can still feel it if I let myself.

I wanted so much to write this entry in my joy, after having read blog after blog after blog of women just like me who go through this nightmare and end with a post just like this one. Some, determined to push ahead and do it again. Some never wanting to look back. All, scarred.

IVF round 2 : 7. The 2 week wait

Monday, March 4th, 2013
Oct 21, 2011
The first time I went through the 2 week wait was child’s play. I had gone through a round of fertility treatments, and tried a ‘spontaneous cycle’. We were so young at this at that time, and had no idea the ride that was just beginning.
I spent a glorious 2 weeks – much of it in bed or working semi-horizontally at best. My husband, my angel and rock was as caring and protective as ever. We tried cautiously to enjoy the feeling that maybe this worked, that maybe I was carrying his child/children, and that maybe this wasn’t all for nothing. I listened so closely, felt every ding, ping and quiver, trying to translate them…trying to understand what was happening on the inside. It was impossible to know.
I was taking progesterone vaginally, 3 times a day. My uterus was very soft and low. There were definitely physical changes. My boobs were huge. Shortly after a week of waiting, my head started hurting. I refused to take anything for it. After a couple of days of a bad headache, we called the clinic. They said that it could be caused by the progesterone, which sometimes causes low blood pressure. They prescribed chips! I had a bowl of chips right away (I’m generally not a salt-eater), and sure enough, by the time I finished them, the headache had passed. Every day the same thing would happen. I’d get a headache, eat something salty and it would go away.  We did check my pressure at one point, and it was low for me, at 105/70 or so. I usually have between 120/80 to 130/90. So, it was likely the progesterone.

IVF round 2 : 6. After the Embryo transfer – bed rest

Sunday, March 3rd, 2013
Oct 2, 2011
Bed rest was not very restful, really. I laid in bed and after a while my back starts to hurt, so I can’t lay anymore. I was allowed to get up to eat, to go to the bathroom, and to shower, so I did at least sit up leaning back for short periods of time. I washed down below on the day we got home, because I felt the need to. I didn’t shower until I hit day 4 (ugh), but wanted to do everything perfectly.I’ve cut back on coffee and have had, at most, 2 cups a day. I’ve been taking the vitamin religiously, and the ‘magic balls’ of progesterone (as the doc called them) 2 ‘globules’, 3 times a day. Gordon has noticed a big change in my internal topography, and says that it’s really soft, and the ‘flappy thingie’ is very soft and wide. I don’t know  if it’s a side-effect of the progesterone, implantation, or both. I tried googling it, but you know, it can take me away for hours, and my dinner sammich was awaiting me, so I stopped.

I’m in the ‘sitting’ phase now, and what do I feel? Pretty much nothing. The first day I felt some poking – kind of like the ovulation type poking, only it was around my uterus area. The next day and since then I’ve felt bloated, kinda gasey, but no kicking or anything. Nothing that screams out, ‘hey it worked! we’re in here!’.  We’re still living every day like we are pregnant, and I’m getting lots of belly love and kisses. We decided that whether we immerse ourselves in the joy of it, or move forward with ‘cautious optimism’, we’ll be just as crushed if it doesn’t work, anyway, so why not enjoy the possibility of that BFP while we can.

Next weekend is my nephew’s Christening, for which we’ll be travelling about an hour and change to get to. We’ll spend the weekend, likely, and come back in time to go for the blood test.  I’ve read that the progesterone may keep me from starting my period if this didn’t work. I also know that if I do start bleeding, it’s not necessarily my period, so either way, we really won’t know anything for sure until the blood test.  Although if I start bleeding heavy, the prognosis will be pretty grim regardless.

It’s 12:08 and officially the 2nd of October now, almost halfway to the 15 day mark. I hope I can hang on to my sanity.

IVF round 2 : 5. After the Embryo transfer

Saturday, March 2nd, 2013
Sep 25, 2011
The doctor came and said that I would need to come back in 15 days, and that if I bleed it’s not necessarily my period.  I asked what happened to the other egg cells, since we know we had 4 embryos, 6 were unaccounted for.  She said 4 hadn’t matured enough, and 2 didn’t divide. I think those are pretty good numbers. Had they waited until Sunday for aspiration, we might have had 6 mature follicles/embryos – but then again, this made it easy for us in a way. We didn’t have a choice about the 4th embryo, so we didn’t have to think about freezing.  Of course after the fact I started thinking maybe we should have insisted they put in all 4, since it wasn’t of high quality anyway it must not have had a good chance for survival, but at least it would have had the chance.

We paid the 90k dinars we were able to get out of the ATM over the last few weeks, and need to go back to pay the other 120. I still don’t get why they won’t take our card – they did before. Anyway, we’ll be going back to the atm until we get enough, and hopefully we have enough by the 15 day mark. I think we should.

When we left, the guy that’s been driving us to and from Belgrade, Darko, drove, I think, below the speed limit all the way home. It was like a weird dream. I laid back on some pillows and tried not to sit straight up.

IVF round 2 : 4. Embryo transfer, baby!

Friday, March 1st, 2013
Sep 25, 2011
Sunday night, the 25th, we got the call that we needed to come in the next day for the transfer.  It was only at that point we knew for sure we had at least one embryo. We made a life together. Saturday was the conception day, and those little cells did done good and divided. We didn’t know how many we had, or how many we’d be having transferred. We just knew we had to be there at 2:30 to meet with the doctor, to have the transfer at 2:50. We knew they’d put back ‘up to’ 3, but we wondered if we’d have to decide how many up to three they should put back.  We got anxious about the thought of having triplets, because even though it’s a small possibility (5% according to our dr), it’s still possible.  We decided to let ‘the God’ decide, as my adorable husband put it.When we returned on the 26th at 2pm, early, of course, we sat anxiously in the waiting room. We were called in and the biologist and doctor met us.  We had 4 embryos. The fourth, she said, was not for freezing. They asked us how many we’d like to return, and we said we’d take all 3.  We signed some papers, and were returned back to the waiting room. In minutes, the nurse called me to the elevator, and we rode up to the familiar room where I changed and waited.

She took me down to the same room where they do the aspirations, and I hopped up on the table. Nervous, but for no good reason, really, other than this being the *IT* we have been waiting for, for so long.

She explained everything she was doing, and said I needed to try to relax as much as possible, which I did.  She washed me outside, washed me inside – I guess it was just hot water (and it was hot!), and put in the speculum. She showed me the screen where I could see a picture of the embryos. They looked like little flowers – how could I fall in love with blobs of cells? I don’t know, but I did. She said she was inserting the catheter. I barely felt anything. Next thing she said was okay, it’s done. I didn’t really feel it except that I could tell something was going on there.  She took out everything and said she’d now do a sonogram so she could see the location. She did so and I was able to see the precious blob inside my uterus. I wish I had that picture too.

I was like, okay what do I do now, get up? And yes, I got up, and walked to the elevator and rode up and laid in bed for about an hour and a half. I felt something pour out once or twice, probably remnants of the water she used to clean me.

I laid in bed, alone this time, and called Gordon to tell him it was done, and that We were okay 🙂 The whole process was so precious, even though you’d think it would be clouded by medical tools and big words. Underneath it all, we knew we conceived little lives together, and they were going to get the chance to come into this world…. and like I told Gordon the night before, even if they don’t get the chance to come into this world, and even if we don’t get the chance to meet them now, they exist, and they will always exist, and we will meet them someday. Parts of us as one.

When I came down we waited to be processed (pay) – mostly I wanted a copy of my embryo pictures, so I was patient. I leaned back in the chair while we waited. The nurse called us in, and I looked right at their credit card machine that I’m pretty sure said ‘slide card’. I don’t know why they didn’t want to slide ours. In any case, she ordered 3 days of bed rest, then I could sit 2 days and then light walking. I wasn’t prepared for all that resting, but whatever needed to be was okay with me.