1 month before IVF : 3 Another Pregnancy Test

Wednesday, February 6th, 2013
Jun 14, 2011
Well, we decided to take a pregnancy test again this morning, like we’ve done so many months before, for what it’s worth. Naturally, after we got the big FAT negative, I got the dreaded aunt flo. Just another month. We’re both somewhat numb to it now – though we’re always just a little hopeful.So I dont have gonnorhea (can’t spell it, either) or chlamydia – but the ob/gyn didn’t do the ureaplasma or toxoplasma right, so I have to go in again next week. I am tired of being poked and prodded.

1 month before IVF : 2 Emotions

Tuesday, February 5th, 2013
Jun 13, 2011
It’s another Monday after a weekend of mostly work and I feel like crying. Mostly, I am crying, but sucking it in so I can see well enough to get the damned work done. I feel so tired and worn out. I know Gordon is feeling the same – probably moreso in a way, because he has even more going on than me work-wise, and add the pressure of his Masters to the pile.Aria is kind of a nice name. I mistyped arial today and thought hmm. …sigh.

It’s ‘that time of month’ again – for us ‘that time’ is the time we wait to see if it’s going to come or not – not the actual having of the aunt flo.

1 month before IVF : 1 Getting ready

Monday, February 4th, 2013

Jun 11, 2011

Yesterday the dvd copies of the super 8 movies came. I was really excited to see them and to show my hubby a bit of my life he’d never otherwise have the chance to see.  I got to see my mom and dad as they were, though not really as I remember them since the movies with them in them were from when I was so little. It made me feel good to see my dad wrap his arm around me and hold me to him. I could almost feel him doing it now…I sure wish I had my parents around. I remember my mom saying throughout her life that ‘we’d all be together again someday’. She really believed that. I wish I could believe it as profoundly as she did.We’re getting ready for our trip to Serbia, which is just over 3 weeks away. “Getting ready” seems a bit of an overstatement – we’ve really just been working seemingly non-stop and going for doctor and dental appointments, trying to fit everything in before we go.I thought I’d take some time before we go to really let myself absorb what we’re about to go through.  I’m trying so hard not to be anxious that it won’t work, but there is a very real possibility that it won’t.  I know that when we come home, when we celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary, things are going to be very much one way or the other – either we’ll be pregnant, or we won’t.  After 3 years of trying, which, by then will be 3 and a half, I know that deep down inside I’ll feel very little hope if we haven’t succeeded with the first try. I wonder if it’s my eggs. I wonder if it’s my history. I wonder if I’m just too old.

I should start praying my novena again. I did a St. Jude’s novena before we did the fertility treatments in December of 2010, but I’m still waiting for my miracle. I did ask that things work out as they should, but to give me strength to accept them. I’ve made it so far, mentally, but I wonder if it’s not because a big part of me is holding on to the hope that IVF will be the answer. I do hope that it is.

Back to work.

After IVF: Ready to talk

Sunday, February 3rd, 2013

After this post I’ll be posting my writings from the period of time I went through IVF, leading up to IVF, during IVF and after IVF, but I wanted to preface it with the fact that there is not the happy ending you may be looking for.

It’s been a long time since I updated this blog. When we started this journey, I spent time scouring the web for blogs by other women who went through what I was going through. I always felt a sinking disappointment when their blogs would come to an abrupt end – assuming the worst, that their journey met with a final and decisive failure.

I did not want to be one of ‘those’…and yet, my journey has been hard and I did not meet with success in getting pregnant. I did learn a lot about myself, my strong relationship with my husband grew even stronger. Sadly, I learned that many people who claimed to care, didn’t, not when things got difficult. I felt very alone and isolated. Part of that isolation was my fault for not reaching out to a community of support from others who went through the same kinds of experiences. Part of that because I lacked a strong family unit that should have been there for me. In the end, I felt that besides my husband, there were only 1 or 2 people who cared about what we were going through – and even then, I felt like he was the only one that understood it completely…and still I experienced a unique pain that not even he could share.

On a brighter note, almost a year and a half after I’ve been through IVF twice, I’ve started to recover from the pain and loss. We have found different things to focus on, and we often review those things we’re able to do because we don’t have children that we couldn’t have enjoyed if we had. I haven’t turned into a parent-hater, but I feel like I’ve found a differnt kind of joy in life, and that is the joy that the opportunities not having children offer. It’s still hard around holidays and child-focused things. I mourn my losses. I well up with tears and sometimes they spill over. It still hurts, and I will probably never ‘get over it’. That’s okay and I think it’s normal. It doesn’t control me, it’s just there.

No children, no legacy, no point in writing?

Friday, March 9th, 2012

no children, no legacy, no reason to write....I know, I know. I wrote earlier in the year that I would update this soon. You know how time goes by, and by the time you reach my stage of the game, you’re done thinking about it. I started a blogging series when I started getting ready to go through an IVF cycle, and for whatever reason didn’t feel like I was able to post it for the world to see. My first entry, a month before the big IVF cycle.

Read more »

Too many of us

Saturday, January 14th, 2012

I have been quiet and away for way too long. I owe myself, and I owe you all some updating here. I would love to forget this whole chapter of my life – but it’s more like a volume (or two) than a chapter, so forgetting it isn’t really an option.  Some ranting and raving is in order…crying, cynicism…healing, maybe.

Looking at my traffic reports, it dumbfounds me, how many of you are out there – looking for the same answers about infertility I was when I first started this trip. So many women read my article asking if Nuvaring causes infertility, and my other article about my HSG experience. Ugh. To think how many of you have gone through the same things I have.

As heartbreaking as infertility is, it seems just that much more hurtful knowing how many of us there are. Does it feel better knowing I’m not alone? Sometimes. Sometimes I just feel really, really sad for all of us as one collective ‘infertility patient’.

I’ll be back with an update, promise. I have been writing – just not here. I have lots to talk about with you, and hopefully I can help you find some more answers, or at least offer some comfort in knowing you’re not alone.

Fertility Rest Out Cycle

Saturday, January 15th, 2011
Fertility Rest Out Cycle

If you’ve been reading you know that I survived the 2 week wait after my first dance with fertility meds femara and follistim last month, did not get pregnant, and then didn’t ovulate on my rest out cycle this month, at least not that I can confirm through my BBT, and that I had some concerns about ovarian twisting. So where does that leave us now? Read more »

Hello, Ovulation?

Friday, January 14th, 2011
Hello, Ovulation?

We have been tracking my bbt since July of last year, religiously.  By the 15th day this month, when I didn’t see the temperature spike, I started to raise my eyebrow a little.  By day 17, I was starting to chew my lip. By day 20, 22, 24, and finally today on day 26 I have pretty much thrown up my hands and have decided I probably haven’t ovulated. Read more »

Fertility Cycle 1 Result: not pregnant

Friday, January 14th, 2011
Fertility Cycle 1 Result: not pregnant

So I survived the 2 week wait, and on exactly my 28th day I got the dreaded visit from my ‘friend’ (a term my mom always used – I suspect after 8 kids you would start to think of her as a friend and not a foe as I do). I cried for hours, the whole day was dead. Disappointment everywhere in the house, just a huge cloud hovering all day, all week… Read more »

Two Week Wait Torture: Tricorder, anyone?

Monday, December 13th, 2010
Two Week Wait Torture: Tricorder, anyone?

The two week wait or, more commonly known around the infertility cafes, the ‘2ww’ is pretty much filled with the sound of anxious fingers drumming on my desk. It’s hard to think about much else – and with the holidays coming up, I’m not doing so well thinking about anything but what’s going to come of this 2ww. I am really not feeling very patient – maybe I can find a tricorder on Amazon. Read more »