After a few months, I still didn’t know why I hadn’t been able to get pregnant. I come from a very large family, and when I confided in my mom just before she passed away that we were having problems conceiving, she exclaimed in her dark humorous way, “Well, you didn’t get that from me!” I certainly didn’t.
We knew ‘what’ to do – and if I didn’t know better I’d have to wonder if we were doing it wrong! My husband and I felt like we had no control over this mysterious miracle that just wasn’t blessing our lives. We just couldn’t understand what was happening. When something goes wrong in life, we often look for something or someone to blame. In my case, that someone was me.
I had what some might call a ‘turbulent’ childhood, which included a pregnancy at 12 that ended in abortion. I, naturally, having been raised Catholic with a very strong faith even at 12, was severely wounded by the trauma of this termination. I wanted so much to keep this baby, but my parents felt it was in my best interest to abort the baby. With years of therapy, I was able to release the guilt and shame I carried (or so I thought, until recently). Now that I’ve been having problems getting pregnant, naturally a logical reason could have been that there was damaged caused by the abortion at such a young age. It began digging up that guilt and shame I thought I discarded years ago – apparently a bit of it had remained buried with me.
Through my journey trying to get pregnant, one of the worst feelings has been feeling like there was no concrete answer to the question “Why?” Coupled with a perfect reason to revert back to blaming myself for being inadequate, I felt myself falling into a depressed sense of helplessness. One of the things that has helped me deal with it all is having discovered that a lot more women than I realized struggle with infertility. There are many women over 35 that have successful pregnancies and bear beautiful children. Someone I recently met through a contract I was working on is in the ‘over 35’ club and has just had her second beautiful baby. Optimism is the best anti-depressant, and she has been a true inspiration for me. Knowing that it IS possible, and does happen takes away the hopeless feelings that sometimes creep up.
Taking control has also helped me through this period of the many trials and tribulations of trying to get pregnant after 35. While there are certainly days I feel like I just can’t face another disappointment, there are other days when I know that arming myself with information has empowered me to make better decisions and understand the possibilities. Learning about tests for infertility and what treatments are available for infertility has made me feel proactive in our quest for a baby, and the education I’ve latched onto has given me a sense of control over what felt mostly out of my control.