1 month before IVF : 1 Getting ready

Posted by Rose in Infertility, My Personal Journey on 04-02-2013

Jun 11, 2011

Yesterday the dvd copies of the super 8 movies came. I was really excited to see them and to show my hubby a bit of my life he’d never otherwise have the chance to see.  I got to see my mom and dad as they were, though not really as I remember them since the movies with them in them were from when I was so little. It made me feel good to see my dad wrap his arm around me and hold me to him. I could almost feel him doing it now…I sure wish I had my parents around. I remember my mom saying throughout her life that ‘we’d all be together again someday’. She really believed that. I wish I could believe it as profoundly as she did.We’re getting ready for our trip to Serbia, which is just over 3 weeks away. “Getting ready” seems a bit of an overstatement – we’ve really just been working seemingly non-stop and going for doctor and dental appointments, trying to fit everything in before we go.I thought I’d take some time before we go to really let myself absorb what we’re about to go through.  I’m trying so hard not to be anxious that it won’t work, but there is a very real possibility that it won’t.  I know that when we come home, when we celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary, things are going to be very much one way or the other – either we’ll be pregnant, or we won’t.  After 3 years of trying, which, by then will be 3 and a half, I know that deep down inside I’ll feel very little hope if we haven’t succeeded with the first try. I wonder if it’s my eggs. I wonder if it’s my history. I wonder if I’m just too old.

I should start praying my novena again. I did a St. Jude’s novena before we did the fertility treatments in December of 2010, but I’m still waiting for my miracle. I did ask that things work out as they should, but to give me strength to accept them. I’ve made it so far, mentally, but I wonder if it’s not because a big part of me is holding on to the hope that IVF will be the answer. I do hope that it is.

Back to work.

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