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It’s been 4 years since our last attempt at IVF – I think – so long that I’ve lost track of the time that’s passed. Does it get easier? I’m not sure. I guess? I still cry, I still feel a twinge of disappointment every month – maybe that has lessened because I’ve come to expect […]

Seems so shallow, my post title – ‘after failed IVF’. What it says is medical, what it feels like is such deep emotion. My sister called and left a message today. She’s disabled, mentally, and doesn’t know anything about our infertility journey. She called to wish me a happy mother’s day. I don’t really know […]

Oct 22, 2011 The day of my nephew’s christening, as we got ready to leave, I noticed a spot of blood. It hadn’t been 2 weeks, but there it was. We decided immediately that I wouldn’t go to his christening, but instead I’d get back into bed. Numb, we waited to see what would be. […]

Oct 21, 2011 The first time I went through the 2 week wait was child’s play. I had gone through a round of fertility treatments, and tried a ‘spontaneous cycle’. We were so young at this at that time, and had no idea the ride that was just beginning. I spent a glorious 2 weeks – […]

Oct 2, 2011 Bed rest was not very restful, really. I laid in bed and after a while my back starts to hurt, so I can’t lay anymore. I was allowed to get up to eat, to go to the bathroom, and to shower, so I did at least sit up leaning back for short […]

Sep 25, 2011 The doctor came and said that I would need to come back in 15 days, and that if I bleed it’s not necessarily my period.  I asked what happened to the other egg cells, since we know we had 4 embryos, 6 were unaccounted for.  She said 4 hadn’t matured enough, and […]

Sep 25, 2011 Sunday night, the 25th, we got the call that we needed to come in the next day for the transfer.  It was only at that point we knew for sure we had at least one embryo. We made a life together. Saturday was the conception day, and those little cells did done […]

Sep 23, 2011 My aspiration was late in the afternoon Friday, I think 6pm. I wasn’t able to eat for 6 hours before then, because of the anesthesia, which was surprisingly easy to do. We arrived early, as usual, Gordon was escorted to the back for his ‘specimen’ and me and his mom waited in […]

Sep 1, 2011 When we returned we had a brief consult with the dr so we could prepare for the next cycle. Since they really wanted me to take a few months off before doing a cycle, they wanted me to at least have a sonogram to make sure everything looked hunky-dorey in there.  My […]

Sep 1, 2011 How August became October After our failed IVF cycle, it was understood we’d try again. We talked about it before we even came here.  Unfortunately, that meant extending our plane tickets, and figuring out how we’d leave the country before I was here for 90 days, since I’m required to exit before […]

Aug 10, 2011 Needless to say, the doctor called on Wednesday morning, and Gordon answered this time, with the news that the cells didn’t divide.  We went in to ‘consult’ (pay) on Wednesday afternoon. By then I wasn’t as sad as I was with the news on Tuesday, because I knew they likely weren’t going […]

Aug 8, 2011 Sunday night we celebrated the idea that our parts may have just met for the first time, ever. The doctor said she would call on Monday, after noon. We waited anxiously for the phone to ring – my stomach with butterflies every time I’d remember between attempts at distracting myself with work. […]

Aug 7, 2011 Sunday morning came and we woke up shortly after 4am. Since I couldn’t eat or drink until after the procedure, which would be sometime around noon, I tried sleeping more, and did. We left the house with Gordon’s brother at 7:30, and zipped to Belgrade on a sleepy Sunday morning. Darko was cranky when […]

Aug 5, 2011 Friday was rainy and I had been sleeping almost constantly since Thursday afternoon. Though the doctor said the hormone therapy wasn’t the cause for my sleepiness, but rather the weather, I don’t believe it for a NY minute. Gordon managed to wake me up around 4:45 for our 6pm appointment with the […]

Aug 4, 2011 She gave us information about what we needed to prepare. It was only then that we found out we needed further blood tests – for ‘sediments’, white blood count, etc. I would also need an EKG in order to get anesthesia. It was Thursday and had we been in the US I […]

Aug 4, 2011 Thursday was take 3, only no blood test this day. The left ovary’s big follicle was around 19mm. The smaller ones were about 13. This day, she found the right ovary by pushing straight back. I recognized the angle by the discomfort. Surprisingly it had 1 large follicle and 3-4 smaller ones- […]

Aug 1, 2011 It’s 333am. I can’t help but wonder if we have an embryo growing. I feel a strange peace about it all, with random bursts of belly twisting anxiety when I begin to wonder what lies ahead.Saturday last week came with our first checkup. We headed out early for an 8am meeting with […]

Jul 24, 2011 Today I worked a bit, though not as much as I have been. That big project I mentioned was put on hold – possibly indefinitely, because it was in response to a bid to NYS Dept of ed that my employer relied on being approved. It wasn’t.I haven’t spent a whole lot […]

Jul 23, 2011 Today we did things a little smarter -maybe not too much – but we did use the big fat needle for the mixing, and the smaller one for injecting. It was still hard to inject… and we still had some trouble mixing. It makes suds, so you’re not dealing with 1 big […]

Jul 22, 2011 We sit and wait for the doctor – who’s probably 10 years my junior – to be ready for us.  I ask the through-looker nurse, ‘Izvinite,’ and pause since she’s looking down at her papers. Before I could finish my question she motions towards the bathroom, ‘Izvolite’, without so much as a […]

 Jul 21, 2011 Goin with the flo…Well I was due on Thursday of last week, but nothing came. We even took a pregnancy test, or as we call it now, a period summoner, to help things along. No luck – only because this time we actually were looking forward to it coming asap. Friday, nothing, […]

Jul 14, 2011 We left the US on July 4th for Serbia, still stupidly hoping that we would find out shortly after we got here that I was pregnant, and we could save our money and not go through the IVF. Alas, you know how that goes, too. We waited until yesterday, the day before […]

Jul 14, 2011 I meant to keep this up close to every day, but you know how that goes.My birthday was awesome – I can’t believe I didn’t get to write about it (actually, I do – everything has been so insanely hectic). Gordon really went above and beyond to make my birthday special. It’s […]

Jul 3, 2011 What an amazing 39th birthday I had. Gordon went to so much trouble to make it special. He is so thoughtful… He kept telling me about the pony he got me. How surprised I was when I opened the box and there was a little stuffed pony inside! I was so tickled. […]

Jun 25, 2011 This weekend I’m probably going to spend working on this big project we’ve been working on. I really want to get as much done as possible before we start going through the IVF. I don’t know what my mental state is going to be, and I’d rather have as little stress as […]

Jun 25, 2011 It’s been a few days, and I don’t know where I left off, but the chaos has been building. The incompetence of the medical field here has been amazing. First, I got a cervical swab at the ob/gyn for several tests. Naturally, they rushed SO much through the ‘exam’ (probably could have […]

Jun 19, 2011 It’s a sunny Sunday Father’s Day afternoon, and after a late night of just doing anything and nothing for a change, we got out of bed late. I’m lazily sipping my coffee, searching google for “no family how do i stop feeling so alone” and I realize that this battle with infertility […]

Jun 18, 2011 And so, it’s Saturday afternoon, and I feel sort of at a loss for what to do with myself.  Sure there’s work – including more interview invitations than I have fingers and ‘foot fingers’ combined. Then there’s housework, yard work, paperwork – just that they all end in ‘work’. I feel like […]

 Jun 16, 2011 Life is hard. I guess I never got used to it. It seems just a little harder now, when I look at him and his eyes are darkened from stress, from working, from pushing, constantly pushing. I feel like I brought it to his world – had he married someone else, someone […]

Jun 14, 2011 Well, we decided to take a pregnancy test again this morning, like we’ve done so many months before, for what it’s worth. Naturally, after we got the big FAT negative, I got the dreaded aunt flo. Just another month. We’re both somewhat numb to it now – though we’re always just a […]

Jun 13, 2011 It’s another Monday after a weekend of mostly work and I feel like crying. Mostly, I am crying, but sucking it in so I can see well enough to get the damned work done. I feel so tired and worn out. I know Gordon is feeling the same – probably moreso in […]

Jun 11, 2011 Yesterday the dvd copies of the super 8 movies came. I was really excited to see them and to show my hubby a bit of my life he’d never otherwise have the chance to see.  I got to see my mom and dad as they were, though not really as I remember […]

After this post I’ll be posting my writings from the period of time I went through IVF, leading up to IVF, during IVF and after IVF, but I wanted to preface it with the fact that there is not the happy ending you may be looking for. It’s been a long time since I updated […]

I know, I know. I wrote earlier in the year that I would update this soon. You know how time goes by, and by the time you reach my stage of the game, you’re done thinking about it. I started a blogging series when I started getting ready to go through an IVF cycle, and […]

I have been quiet and away for way too long. I owe myself, and I owe you all some updating here. I would love to forget this whole chapter of my life – but it’s more like a volume (or two) than a chapter, so forgetting it isn’t really an option.  Some ranting and raving […]

8am. The alarm wakes us and my husband hands me the thermometer. 97.4 and I am numb. I wait, half asleep and half awake in the nightmare that feels like I keep waking up into over and over again, and try again. Maybe my mouth was open. 97.5. I toss the thermometer onto the side […]

The Road goes ever on and on Down from the door where it began. Now far ahead the Road has gone, And I must follow, if I can.

If you’ve been reading you know that I survived the after my first dance with fertility meds femara and follistim last month, , and then this month, at least not that I can confirm through my BBT, and that I had some concerns about . So where does that leave us now?

We have been tracking my bbt since July of last year, religiously.  By the 15th day this month, when I didn’t see the temperature spike, I started to raise my eyebrow a little.  By day 17, I was starting to chew my lip. By day 20, 22, 24, and finally today on day 26 I […]

So I survived the 2 week wait, and on exactly my 28th day I got the dreaded visit from my ‘friend’ (a term my mom always used – I suspect after 8 kids you would start to think of her as a friend and not a foe as I do). I cried for hours, the […]

The two week wait or, more commonly known around the infertility cafes, the ‘2ww’ is pretty much filled with the sound of anxious fingers drumming on my desk. It’s hard to think about much else – and with the holidays coming up, I’m not doing so well thinking about anything but what’s going to come […]

I feel like I’ve been run over by a bus…that backed up and ran me over again for good measure. We had an early start for the Follicle check today, after finishing up Follistim injections yesterday.  First I had my blood drawn for an FSH test.  The phlebotomist managed to rupture a vein and I […]

Today was the last Follistim injection (day 6 – ).  Tomorrow is the appointment at the specialists office for a follicle check and FSH blood test.  We’ll leave home at 6am for a 9am appointment, leaving a little time to stop for bathroom breaks (me, bathrooms and anxious mornings go together like peas and carrots) […]

I got so aggravated with the nurse at my ob/gyn when I called for the results of my FSH test and all she would tell me was it was ‘normal’. “What does ‘normal’ mean?” I asked, and was met with silence. I could almost feel her face pucker over the phone, but why is this […]

No way it has been 4 days since I wrote last! Time seems to be on speed. Follistim has been pretty uneventful, thankfully. My first injection was probably the easiest. Not that any have been difficult – but I did feel it a very little bit after the needle was in. I think because I’m […]

Today is cycle day 5, and I started the Follistim injections.  I was pretty anxious about giving myself an injection, though I used to help my dad with the at-home sugar monitor for his diabetes, and I’d test with him to kind of ease his anxiety about it. I knew I was brave enough to […]

Thanksgiving isn’t always picture-perfect like it is on TV where there’s a big, happy family gathered at a big, beautifully dressed food-stuffed table, but it is always a day we can step back and be thankful for those things in our lives that are most important to us. Going through your struggle with infertility isn’t […]

Well, I finally got a call from the specialists office yesterday around 3:30 – just before I gave up hope that they’d ever return my call.  My baseline ultrasound looked good, so I was on schedule for the fertility treatments for this cycle. We already picked up the Femara, so I just needed

So, another month of ‘doing what we are doing’ didn’t work, and today is day 1 of the cycle that will be our first (and hopefully last) try at fertility treatments. The way this fertility cycle is supposed to go is as follows:

At first I didn’t even know what an “RE” was. I have really come to hate the acronyms used for those of us trying to conceive (TTC). It’s almost like you need a pocket dictionary of acronyms just to read some first-hand accounts from women on forums and the like. An RE is a Reproductive […]

At our follow up appointment, the PA looked at the BBT charts that we started right after the HSG, and since my temps seemed to be all over the place, she suggested we have a vaginal ultrasound on day 14 of my cycle, so we could see if I was ovulating, along with some blood […]

At the end of my HSG, the doctor told me that one of my fallopian tubes is blocked, and I should make a follow-up appointment after a few weeks.  My husband and I were hopeful that some minimal blockage may have been cleared, so now we’d just get pregnant and this would all be over. 

A test for infertility patients, a is an x-ray of the uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries.  This is done as an outpatient procedure, and doesn’t have to be done in a hospital.  Mine was, because my doctors office happens to be attached to the hospital. After my husband’s sperm count came back normal, I was […]

If you’re part of the over 35 club, you  might ask as I did, “What are my chances of getting pregnant after 35?” I always thought it was going to be easy as pie to get pregnant – especially since my mother had so many children, well into her 40s! What I didn’t realize was

My last ob/gyn was a jerk. I thought I had a great doctor.  I was comfortable with him when I went for my annual exam.  After my husband and I tried getting pregnant for a few months and I read that the recommendation for women over 35 is to see their doctor after 6 months […]

I was on NuvaRing for a year and a half, but, what price would I pay for using birth control when it came to my fertility later on?

After a few months, I still didn’t know why I hadn’t been able to get pregnant. I come from a very large family, and when I confided in my mom just before she passed away that we were having problems conceiving, she exclaimed in her dark humorous way, “Well, you didn’t get that from me!”  […]

Welcome to all that stumble across this blog in search of answers, of comfort, of finding someone who understands your challenge. It may feel like it, but I assure you, you are not alone.